stillness

"Life is busy and noisy -- and it allows us to forget things too difficult to think about. But there is something about a still night...
Sometimes, when the girl walked from one building to another on such a night, she would pause, and take it in. But she would soon hurry on again, slipping into the light and noise of the buildings before her fears could quite get a hold of her. 
But tonight she didn't run. She slowly sat down in the darkness, as the stillness seeped into her very being. As the hustle and bustle subsided, everything came to the surface. 
The weight and depth of her thoughts and emotions were overwhelming. 
The bittersweet memories. The gentle nostalgia. The deep longing. The dull grief. The warm joy. The cold fear. 
She closed her eyes. She wanted to flee back to the blissful oblivion of noise. But she stayed. The night didn't cause these things; it simply exposed them. She couldn't avoid them forever. 
Slowly, she confronted all these hidden things, one by one. The thoughts, the memories, the emotions. She forced herself to admit the existence of things she wanted to ignore. 
That bitterness remained. That grief, shoved aside, still festered and ached in some forgotten corner. That desire was as strong as it had ever been..."

I've heard it said that the early church fathers believed every strong Christian had to spend time in the desert. I don't think it was really the physical desert itself that made them stronger -- the heat and sand, the caves and camels.
I think it was the silence.
Silence is a beam that pierces to the darkest corners of the heart. Silence is a knife that carves away the concealing fronts the mind constructs. Silence is a hand that rips away the veil that covered the blistering turmoil within the soul.
It is in the silence that we can hear a still, small whisper.
If we find ourselves feeling alone, perhaps what God is really trying to do is make us be silent for a time. Sometimes, silence is what is truly needed.

"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship."
- CS Lewis

"Be still and know that I am God." 
- Psalm 46

"He's not a tame Lion."

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Sometimes I read this thinking, "Lord, are You seriously telling me that Paul, a traveling preacher could serve You more effectively with a physical weakness than without it?"
In my mind, if I'm going to pick someone to travel around the known world preaching, and then sit in prison for a couple years, I'm going to pick someone who is going to be healthy. Or, if the right person really does have some physical injury and I had the power of healing, I would heal them. That's miracle enough, right? Can't God show Himself strong through healing?
Moreover, it just floors me that Paul's response is that he is content with the situation. If I were Paul, and God told me what He told Paul, I would flip right over to John 9 and say, "Hey, instead of this whole strength in weakness thing, how about You just display your power through healing me? That sounds like a way better plan, if You ask me."

But God doesn't seem to be in the business of doing things our way. 

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

- Hebrews 11

All were heroes of the faith. But not all proved their faith in the same ways. Some conquered kingdoms, others were tortured. Some obtained promises, others were mocked and flogged. Some stopped the mouths of lions, others stoned. Some quenched the violence of fire, others sawn in two. Some received their dead back to life, others were themselves killed. And not a single one got to decide which part of the list they were on.

As I pray, I often pray to be on the earlier part of the list. Please let me glorify Your name by unexpected success -- not excruciating loss.

Facing the very real possibility that God may not answer my prayers the way I want in certain areas, I'm very tempted to panic. I have literally been on my knees, in tears, begging God to act in a certain way as I suddenly realize how true it is that He is not required to do it my way.

I may not be on the list of those conquering kingdoms, being healed of physical infirmities, and receiving my dead back to life. I may be on the list of those who glorify God by how well they walk in the fire.

"He is not a tame Lion."

I never really thought about that line in Chronicles of Narnia. Now, I suddenly understand. Just because I pray, and beg, and desperately want God to act in a certain way... He may not. He is not my Santa Claus or my vending machine. He is God.

But perhaps that is the essence of trust and surrender. Trust isn't trust if you know what the other person will do. Trust is not knowing -- but knowing it will always be the right thing. It may not be easy, it may not be what I want, I may not understand for a very, very long time why God did what He did. Trust and surrender mean knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that all God's ways are righteous -- knowing it so much that it brings true contentment and peace.

"He is not a tame Lion. But He is good."

Me and Bob

I committed to post once a week on Sundays, but I don't really have anything to say tonight, so I'm posting something old. I wrote this a week or two before school let out. Lake Bob is the retaining pond behind my dorm.
I post this expecting readers to understand a couple things. First, it's a bit dramatic because it makes for a more fun piece to write. Second, I promise you don't have to worry about me. It's just a bit of reflection.
With that explanation, proceed with caution. :)

--

She remembered standing on the edge of the ocean on a stormy night. “Wait,” she had put her hand out and stopped her friend, “I want to show you something.” “Okay,” her friend was confused, but willing. The girl had closed her eyes, faced the ocean, and tilted her face toward the sky. The constant roar of the waves drowned out all else. Such power – she couldn’t even comprehend it.
Bob was a poor substitute for the ocean, to put it kindly. In fact, Lake Bob was even a poor substitute for a lake. But on this night, with emotions raging wild and mind threatening to go kaput, anything would be better than the lights and noise inside. Even Bob.
She trudged out to the lake in silence, feeling moisture creep into her shoes from the wet grass. She stopped at the path surrounding the lake and stood quietly staring at the little body of water. She took a deep breath and waited. Ah, yes… she could feel her emotions responding to the quietness of the night. Slowing, slowing… it was good to be able to hear herself think again.
 So maybe Bob wasn’t all that magnificent, but he was certainly calming. In the darkness, she could ignore the scum clinging to his edges, and the geese had long gone to bed. Yes, she did owe a debt of gratitude to Bob, regardless of his status as a retaining pond. He listened quietly when she needed to vent and didn’t try to offer vain solutions when she cried. She had many times come out at night to sit beside humble Bob until her soul became quiet again.
 The girl dropped her head back. It was a clear night. She glanced back at Bob, gently reflecting the college lights on his dark surface. Hmm. She crept closer to the edge of the lake until she just toed the edge, and peered in. The moon and stars gently projected wavering ghosts of themselves onto his smooth, dark face. He looked so much deeper at night.
She leaned back on her heals and gazed at Lake Bob thoughtfully. She suddenly felt a bit of sympathy for his existence. Maybe they weren’t all that different, she and this scummy, old retaining pond. Both were small and unimpressive. Neither were terribly attractive in their nature when exposed to the bright light of midday. Both had collected a good deal of scum around the edges, and no one really knew what lay beneath their shallow, and yet somehow still impenetrable, depths. Both were filled with a good deal of gunk collected off the streets. But somehow, both were still able to fulfill some purpose, and maybe even hold a bit of beauty, if one knew where to look for it.
She knew that feeling of grime and shame; that wondering what role such a pitiful existence could play. She craned her neck to see the stars reflected in this pathetic little lake.
“And somehow, when we are alone and still,” she said quietly, “Even us, my friend, can reflect the magnificence above us.”
And maybe, this simple ability of reflection, kept this quiet, little existence from being so miserable and useless after all.

The Kingdom of God

"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

If you are to find what you are seeking, you must first know what you are looking for. So I did a quick phrase-search to see just what I am after.

We are seeking a Kingdom

That is small like a seed, but will grow into the largest tree (Luke 13:19)
That in small portions, leavens the whole lump (Luke 13:20)
That does not come in ways that can be observed, but is in the midst of us (Luke 17:20)
That is at hand (Mark 1:15)
That is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17)
That is not inherited by flesh and blood (1 Corinthians 15:50)
That is difficult to enter for the wealthy (Mark 10:23)
That belongs to the childlike (Luke 18:16)
That is like the growth of seeds -- we do the planting, and God does the rest (Mark 4:26)
For which those who put their hand to the plow and turn back are not fit (Luke 9:62)
That people cannot see unless they are born again (John 3:3)
That belongs to the poor in spirit and the persecuted (Matthew 5)
That belongs to those who accept the invitation (Matthew 22)
That belongs to those who show mercy (Matthew 18)
That belongs to those who wait expectantly (Mathew 25)
That has suffered violence (Matthew 11:12)
That is like a hidden treasure that we sacrifice everything for (Matthew 13:34-35)
Belongs equally to all who enter (Matthew 20)
That consists not of talk, but of power (1 Corinthians 4:20)
 And so much more. 

It is not a Kingdom at all like an earthly Kingdom. It seems so backwards, so hard, so upside down.

But so worth it.